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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Reflections

Whenever I looked at my parents, I'll sigh deeply. Not because I'm annoyed with them, it's because I'm feeling sorry. Watching them working so hard for us, it makes me feel really guilty.. I've not been helping them by saving the money, instead, I'm spending their money on useless stuffs I actually won't really need it, the stuffs that I'll be using for once and throw it at aside. Spending it like a free-flow.

My father, he has been dotting me a lot. Out of my siblings, he adores me the most, yet, I'm being a bad brat, not being a good daughter. He buys things I want, things I wanted to eat, etc.. I'm not close to him, honestly speaking, I feel awkward with him sometimes. Our relationships has been drifting apart ever since I've been addicted in playing computer games, regretted a lot, a lot. And him occupied himself by playing one of the computer game just to kill time, the whole day was meaningless, we didn't even chat, we just exchanged words like "Hi daddy" "Hmm.", just as simple as this. If I were to say his activities of the day, I'll would say "His normal cycle is to, work, eat, computer game & sleep. Meaningless life". He is hot tempered, always annoyed when comes to work. I felt his stress, the amount of stress he's carrying right now. He smokes a lot, just to relief his stress. But, when a cigarette lit, it'll not last for more than 5mins. So he felt free for only 5mins or less. That's why, he's smoking a lot. When I grew older, he's getting lots of backache, everywhere is aching, and I started to realized: Year passed, I started growing older, he's getting older, illness will come...

My dad has a pet fish, he never failed to look at it when he's eating, before going work or after working, even going overseas for holidays, he'll start to worry about who to feed the fish, he really love the fish, a lot. Last few weeks, my father changed the water in the tank as it's getting really dirty, the fish was unable to breathe properly and it died. The despair look on my father's face as the fish started dying slowly in front of his eyes, his look is really heartbreaking for me..

As for my mum, I'm always complaining that she's being too naggy, accusing me for being so-and-so. Why am I such a brat kid, why?! My mum works several jobs, helping to earn enough money, so that she can buy clothes for us, and some things we need. I've been complaining to her that I'm tired, asking her to do this and that, talking to her in a rude way when she annoys me when I'm busy or having a bad mood, all I do and never care about her feelings too. She has been doing houseworks for us, making the house as clean as possible and make it really comfy for us. She works several jobs to earn more money, she hurts herself but she never complains at all. She's always there, silently praying for us when we're sick, especially when I see her worrying when my sister hospitalized, being really sick, always see her silently praying for my sister for a speedy recovery. My mum looks tough on the outside, but inside, I know she's fragile. She always wanted to wear pretty clothes like other girls, she wants to try wearing it, but it doesn't suit her, afterall, she's a woman, of course she would love it.. Why am I not a good daughter and understand her better?

Same to my siblings, I went to SNSD's concert last year, it's one of my biggest wish, and I got to go thanks to my sister & brother, they sponsored $100 each & my brother's girlfriend with $18. I think I'm being ridiculous, only thinking what I wanted, and being selfish about it. They worked so hard for it, their bloods, sweats, everything. And I just spend it like this, sorry. But I promise, I promised to pay back them if I saved enough money.

This is the first time writing down my feelings towards my family.. I'm not a person who express myself and I'm not the type who says "I love you". In fact, I'm not a cheesy person, I feel awkward in everything. Even saying simple things like "Thank you" to my family members. I do say "thank you", but in a soft voice.

I regretted for not treasuring time when I'm much more younger, as being the youngest in the family, I regretted for taking everything for granted, I'm regretted in everything I did for past 13 years. It's shameless that I took 14 years to realized this.

I'm really sorry, dad
I'm really sorry, mum
I'm really sorry, sis
I'm really sorry, bro.

Sorry in everything I did to hurt you, I need to mind my words and everything I do, I need to think twice before I act.

To people reading this, reflect on your past few years of what your family did to you and what you did to them.. Cherish them before anything happens as time passes by, people change, everything changed. Everybody went to work and didn't have time for their own family..

/I need a time machine to rewind me back to the times when me and my family were chatting happily../

flashbacks of the past [10:08 PM]

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*[[___ welcomee `-//*

lazy days
lonely nights
looking for a lonely star
who'd keep me company

looking at the widespread sky
being me a lonely soul
gazing at the moon so bright
making wishes upon a star

a blow of breeze
to animate
the freezing scene

so the strings of white gold ribbons
seem to tease the lonely moon
because it is standing still
and they are free to move

"twinkle twinkle little star . . . "
I used to sing when I was young
now I've grown but still today
" . . . how I wonder what you are"

lying down upon the meadows
dream of flying up so high
reach the stars, sit on the moon
dancing ballet with the clouds